Welcome to the Pure Empathy Blog!
So it turns out I’m a therapist who wants to talk about your feelings. I know that makes me a walking, talking stereotype, but I’ve made peace with that. Another thing I’ve made peace with is the full spectrum of our emotional life. You see, as humans, we tend to relish in our positive feelings and tend to avoid the negative ones. Although this may work for a short time, continuing to avoid your less favorable feels can have dire consequences. Let’s consider a quick example. Have you ever been around a 3 year old that wants your attention? If you have, you are well aware of the tenacity of a young child who is in need of attention. If you ignore the child, what does the child do? Do they just give up and walk away never to be seen again? NO! The child gets louder, more insistent, more demanding, and so on. Your feelings are like the 3 year old. ALL of your feelings want your attention. They want your acknowledgement. When you give credence to happiness, joy, and excitement, but completely ignore and repress sadness, anger, and loneliness there is a price to pay. Consider this: Have you ever been doing something and just snapped or lost your cool because of something small and rather insignificant? Chances are that prior to that moment, there were other negative feelings that came up and were ignored until that last straw and...kablooey!
Are you wondering what you can do to prevent this? Do you feel overwhelmed and unsure of how to handle your feelings? Don't worry, you are definitely not the only one. As a matter of fact, I find that most of us feel out of our depths when it comes to our emotions.
Let's talk helpful tips: I call this one riding the wave. The next time you feel a negative or uncomfortable feeling rising in you, lean in. Get quiet and still. Simply take a deep breath in, allowing the feeling to be there, then exhale fully and slowly, and accept your feeling as true. Now take one more deep breath, again letting the feeling be, and as you exhale slowly and fully release the feeling with your breath. Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised with how simple, but powerful this can be.
Written by: Maritza Barrera, LMFT
April 5, 2019
Often I get asked, “oh, you’re a therapist. What do you do just sit there and give advice to people about their problems?” “You just sit and talk to people all day?”
I consistently struggle with finding a precise answer to describe what it means to be a therapist and what it really is that I do all day. So, let me try to explain…
As a therapist, you won’t know if what you just said offended me. You won’t know if I am frustrated with you. You won’t know if the thing you are telling me is exactly what I have experienced and felt in my life. You won’t know that 5 minutes before you came into my office I was crying or angry or received horrible news. You’ll see me acting with kindness and compassion. You will see that you can trust me with the deepest, darkest secrets you can’t even admit to yourself. You will see that there is no judgment in my office, and you can say whatever you please and I will not reprimand you. I will validate you. I will empathize with you. I will feel what you’re feeling and allow you the time and space for you to sit in it. I will not lecture, yell, or give advice. I will allow you to find the solutions to your own problems. You’ll think it was me and that I am some divine creature who knows all, but in all reality, you did it. I just organized the yarn you threw at me and gave it back to you in a perfect ball. I will talk on your level with you, not at you. I will allow you to tell me the most heinous things you have ever thought or done and be okay with that (as far as you will see). I will hold space for you and model that your emotions don’t need to hold you hostage anymore and you can have control over them.
All of this is more than “just talking”. My mind is constantly interpreting, analyzing, listening, staying focused. I try not to worry about other things or get distracted with my own thoughts while you are in my office. You have my undivided attention. Which for many of us, is a difficult task to accomplish in itself. I do this consistently for an hour, for eight hours a day. I have learned how to ask the “right questions”, how to guide you where you want to go, knowing when to use silence and when to speak. It takes practice and effort. I am with you in those moments. I am there experiencing what you are while holding back my own feelings because they aren’t important in that moment, yours are. I provide safety and security. I do this every day.
It is one of the most difficult things I have ever done but also the most rewarding because I can help you to feel hope. Hope for change, hope for growth and progress. I take the tough stuff with the good. I allow the difficult sessions to weigh on me, so it doesn’t have to burden you anymore. I will hold onto those secrets you aren’t yet ready to tell. I will do all of these things because it is what I do as a therapist.
And I would not trade it for anything.
Written by: Shamina Stagner, Registered Mental Health Counseling Intern
December 11. 2019